so it starts again. i wonder how long this time around. i really dont know what i want and i find it amusing in a way. i would always question you but never myself. funny how things work. this weather just makes me want to say fuck school fuck work and just go to the beach and lay in the sand. time for escuela. ITS NOT MY PROBLEM!!! ITS NOT MY PROBLEM. AND IM PINS AND NEEDLES!!!!! PLEASE TO MEET YOU!!!
english, math lab for 2 hours and 13mins, lunch, talked to some random guy named robert while enjoying chicken noodle soup, found out where to register laptops, talked to the recruiter and, finally art history. theres pretty much 2 basic options. i hope to find out other options because they really do not meet my standards. i can go in as active duty have to serve about 3-4 years but its pretty lame because im not really going to be able to do much school. but the benefits are getting paid a salary getting school payed for and the basic active duty benefits. then there is going through the reserve were i pretty much have to do everything by myself and have to work 6 years minimum but i think they pay for school not so sure. i want to be able to travel but my main priority is school and getting a good education not some half ass education. oh well. going to the math lab again tomorrow i hope i dont fail my test tomorrow. i’ve been in the math lab over 3 hours already and probably another hour and a half tomorrow. bleh! i hope this all pays off.
i cant explain this feeling i have. it just feels gross almost like anxiety but different. i’ve been feeling this feeling lately. its like you just feel gross and your chest feels heavy. tonight was fucking eventful. hung out with ali and kels went to open mic night at executive surf club then to see a fight. so fucking disgusted by people and their actions. i need more then a change of scenery but a whole new world. going to talk to the recruiter tomorrow kinda excited. i honestly hope brittny is okay and she shouldnt feel bad. she just showed how bad of a mother that girl is.
Jeff Buckley i believe is an amazing artist. they are times when i listen to him and just think he is just so good. its like he sings to you. i cant explain you just have to hear it yourself. it such a sad thing how he died so young but dont the greatest people always die young? so today i went to school. i’ve been trying to be more social because in english were talking about how social networks and technology have made people more distant and i have to agree. i wish i could spend more time with people and talk to them via face to face rather than writing on each others wall. i talked to an army recruiter today. it wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be. im going to get more information on thursday. they have a program where you can become a nurse and i still dont know yet but plan to find out soon. im debating on wheter to buy a radio for my car or an ipod or to simply just save my money. its best to save but i really want to listen to music without being on my laptop or the rare occasion i get to drive my dads car. i really dont mind joining the army. it seems nice and secure and i just really want to travel honestly. i guess i just want some type of dramatic change in my life. i just want to be sure about something.
nothing is dependable anymore. you just cant rely on anything not even yourself. i need to force myself to study and just to live life. sex and the city has been hilarious but also makes me feel as if im going to be single for the rest of my life. i know im only 18 but i cant help but wonder if im going to just encounter stupid pointless flings for the rest of my life. i feel as if i am no longer an optimist but a realistic pessimist. this year has been one hell of a ride and its still not over yet. i feel like i’ve been smacked in the face by reality. all the little things i believed in got proven wrong and shoved in my face. i use to believe in, “if you want something really bad you’ll get it.” straight up bullshit. it worked when i was little but now dont even count on it or even have hope. also the fact that everyone has intentions for their benefit without you even knowing .im just so tired of trying with anything. the only thing i look forward to these days is hanging out with my homegirls. i just need something more. ive been looking at the portrait of my dad that i was doing in HS im thinking about finishing it but paint material is expensive. and everyone pretty much told me it looks like shit. ive just been feeling angry,anxious,and just disgusted by everything.
i need to nap after my 8am saturday class so i can actually have some type of event in my week. regret. will this rain quit im going fucking crazy. i want to go outside and workout. i think im just going to join the army and with the money buy a fucking wrangler. so tired.
i wish i could of been more prepared. i dont know if i should move to SA or not. part of me tells me yes because i would have a stable place to live and not have to be so independent. i regret getting elliott now. fuck my life. i need to make changes now.
right now i am so fucking stressed and pissed off. mind you its fucking 8 in the morning. i couldnt even sleep in till fucking 8 because of these fucking dogs. ryan is good but fucking jesus elliott makes me want to punt him. almost everyday besides wednesday friday and sunday i do not have to wake up at 6:30 but wtf. i cant even sleep in an extra hour and a half. then when im pissed off trying to relax my fucking dad comes upstairs to fucking bitch at me. at 8 in the morning!!! i dont know what the fuck i need right now but i am stressed with the whole thing about moving to SA makes me wonder if i should just move up there settle down save up some cash flow and move back down. but how when my fucking car wouldnt even make it half way. i feel so fucked and pissed and frustrated right now. FUCKK!!!
bleh. my days are getting boring. i need homegirl time asap. well today consisted of algebra, work, working out. i need to do homework after i right this and after i shower. so far this is the 2nd day of working out. my life is nothing but a schedule consisting of events at certain hours and certain locations. this is when i feel like im in auto pilot. i remember during my senior year in high school i would walk straight out of the class and just walk and end up in my next class. its like your programed. i hate this feeling. im actually content with life but i just wish i felt more alive i guess. i dont know. cant wait for smashing pumpkins. 5 more days!! :D so far everything is consistent. been getting your phone calls which is nice and i look forward to them. i cant help but wonder what this is. like if you had to put a label on it. would we be “talking”? i dont know. bleh bleh bleh.
today was pretty eventful. school, work, gym. got to talk to someone twice today. it was nice. i guess it shows that he cares enough to call. i wish i didnt over analyze shit. my dad said, ” you sell yourself to short.” i would have to agree. i guess its because im so self conscious i tend to look at things in a pessimistic view. so far so good. im starting to develop feelings but i dont know if that is a good or bad thing. i just rather play things by ear and day by day. my dad getting a job in SA has been more stressful then i have imagined. like small things. i usually just get the debit card to get gas or necessary items. but how are we going to do that when hes 2 hours away? also, where am i going to live, i might have to find a new gym. i can tell my dad wants me to move up there with him. but… i cant. i only have 2 friends here in corpus that i hangout with on the daily. but the whole change in environment will probably lead to depression and more social anxiety. i really want to stay in corpus to go to TAMUCC and get as much time as i can with my friends before the dreadful day were we part ways. (which i hope to god never happens) i just feel so dependent and its horrible. i like to be independent and in control but things arent looking that way. i wonder if i should pick up a second job or start serving so i can make more money and make do. oh well. decisions decision.
woe is me! i’ve been reading taming of the shrew. shakespeare is pretty funny and such a well rounded man. there is italian in TotS. so today was good. went to my english lab for the first time. i sat next to a girl named kelsey. lol and it reminded me of my dear kelsey niem :) i bought a lot of books a few months ago at half price and i cant seem to find them anywhere!! its driving me mad!! i cleaned a lot today but not enough. i cant believe how much shit i threw away. i got to hear from someone today. i wish i could of taken the call but i was in class. it was nice to get a voicemail though. i dont know what to do. i guess im just over analyzing and should just go with the flow. my dad says he loves SA he even looked at a few apts. he was bragging to me about all the sweet apts. i wish i could get one here in cc but idk too much money that i dont have. i wonder what my living situation is going to be like since papa bear is up in san antone. bleh. day by day.
i could just know what your honest intentions are.
im living day by day. just day by day. auto pilot. cruise control. dont even move the wheel because all im doing is going straight.
has to be one of the worst traits of myself. i just cant help it. i think about shit way to much and way to in depth. i wish i could just relax sometimes. lately i havent had an appetite and i never know what to say. i feel like if i say something it will sound dumb. bleh!! college is okay besides algebra fuck “i”. like seriously “i” is like a variable like “x” but if you get a squared number you have to change it to like “-I” or something. so fucking confusing i dont even know. saw dinner with schmucks last night. not impressed but it had some funny moments. i love steve carrell and sexy paul rudd. i need to buy heavy weights and clueless. i love watching heavy weights with ali. :) i wonder what tomorrow is going to be like.
i thought you were just being nice and friendly. then we started texting everyday since you made contact with me. we went to lunch i met your mom and your family friends. then we went to the movies later on. what does this mean? im so confused. i dont know if i would pursue anything because honestly what would be the point. but what do you want? i dont understand. from what i know texting a girl all day means your interested. but to go out to a movie and lunch and just watch a movie is weird. i guess were just friends but i dont even do that with my girlfriends. i dont text them all through out the day. i dont like you in that way yet. its just i dont understand what your intentions are. and its really confusing me.
so i’ve been working out lately but i did not work out tuesday or today. i feel like i always have something to do everyday. this whole week i go to school and work besides sunday. tomorrow i go to school then straight to work then home then back to work. double :( but i dont saturday night. so yay!! :) sunday is barbara’s baby shower. i cant believe. i’ve been best friends with her since the 2nd day of 6th grade. i just hope everything with in her and her daughters life is ok. so life has been really good. i just need to get some books for school. i havent even really had any homework besides a journal and algebra homework is only considered to be practice. i feel pretty content with my life. i do wish i had someone to talk to but i honestly dont think i would be ready for it. i cant really say i still love him but i do still care about him. it feels so weird im finally taking big steps towards my life. i actually felt like a college student while taking notes in art history.
so far del mar has been pretty chillin. i cant believe how many people i went to school with before or know that go to del mar its crazy. so i just got a puppy elliott :) he is so cute and such a sweet heart. i now realize how much i have spoiled ryan and what a little brat he is. he attacks elliott because hes a poop. i really hope he stops. i feel myself finally moving on. i guess its from realizing what a disgusting horrible person someone is. i dont understand people these days. i really dont understand how people can have casual sex. like i would want to be in some sort of relationship with them and it be a serious thing were you care about the person. i personally regret a lot of things in my past and i wish i knew better. i just personally think sex is a very personal thing and its such a private thing. i just dont see how some people can get naked and fork someone they barely know. oh well im starting to work out again. i went monday i couldnt really go today because of work and school. but tomorrow for sure. :) im so nervous for my class work and i need to get my books.